Plight of the Pombo

America'a Cup Community Fails To Rally Around Pombo

PORT AMERICA'S CUP, VALENCIA, SPAIN — Tragedy failed to strike the city of Valencia this week when full-grown adult Gerardo Pombo García, president of the Spanish Sailing Federation Real Federación Española de Vela (RFEV) fell down a drain hole just after locking the doors for the last time and abandoning the ex Desafio Espanol team base at the Port America's Cup, spraining both of his ankles and drawing the sympathy of absolutely no one.

Gerardo Pombo, during headier times.

According to sources, the not-so-moving accident and ensuing stench has left the normally quiet America's Cup village in a state of utter indifference, with the few passers by neglecting to come together as one and rally around the trapped 59-year-old.

"I don't understand," said Manuel Chirivella, who has spent every day since first hearing of Pomba's plight gardening in his backyard. "What's a man of that age even doing in a sewer to begin with? The whole thing's a bit ridiculous if you ask me."

Added Chirivella, the past president of since defunct boatless, teamless, memberless, Club Nautico Espanola de Vela, "That manhole cover, even cast with that nostalgic Auld Mug logo he loved, is just not worth stealing. He must have been drunk."

The injured Pomba has been ignored by more than just ordinary citizens. An emergency rescue party sent out from the nearby yacht syndicate Alinghi has reportedly been working around the clock attending to several emergencies at other abandoned bases in and around the port. But the local Port Police department has finally sprung into action, with nearly a dozen officers arriving at the scene last Tuesday morning to see the "idiotic klutz" for themselves.

"In a situation like this, there's very little you can actually do," said deputy sheriff Luis Gestoso, who identified the bruised and disoriented Pomba after peering down the sewer drain to see if a young child had fallen in with him. "We took pictures, you know, for our records and such. And afterwards we went down the street for paella and cervezas. But other than that, the whole thing wasn't as much fun as we all thought it was going to be. He was actually passed out for most of it."

Reached for comment in California yesterday, Anarchy Challenge CEO Mr. Clean was quietly relaxing on a sunny afternoon after enduring a challenge that had tested, but did not by any means exceed, his ability to persevere. "The line at the America's Cup entry desk was really long, and I had a lunch meeting at noon," said Clean, recounting the inconvenient event that ultimately did no lasting damage. "Then I realized that I still needed to fill out a form, but I didn't have a pen. If I had left the line to use a pen at the counter, I would have had to start all over. Thank goodness someone in line lent me one." In spite of the unremarkable series of obstacles, Clean still arrived at lunch on time. He promised to post an appeal to Anarchists for donations to help in Pombo's recovery effort, "just as soon as possible" and someone did so, belatedly, late last night.

But despite that call for donations on the 300-million-member Sailing Anarchy web site, to date no money has been raised for an effort to rescue Pombo from the sewer. Nor has anyone in the local community volunteered to chip in and provide the desperate man with food, fresh water, or words of encouragement. Though Pombo has only had a handful of visitors in the past week, sources did confirm that several members of the America's Cup Management organization stopped by on Thursday and together prayed for the 59-year-old to "get his act together."

"Our concern is not just for the well-being of the city of Valencia, the region, and for Spain. Imagine what his parents must be going through," Grant Simmer said. "To hear that your son went out and got himself stuck inside a sewer—it has to be every parent's worst nightmare. Our thoughts are definitely with them during what must be a very, very embarrassing time."

According to Daphne Morgen, who passes by the open sewer every day during her morning jog, Pombo is currently sitting ten feet below street level in a foot and a half of lumpy slowly flowing fetid sewage, and does not seem to be making any progress in scaling the walls with his bare hands. Morgen went on to add that while Pombo might be naked and trying to fashion a makeshift rope out of his clothing, she couldn't be sure as she is currently "training for a marathon and couldn't really stop to check."

"How could something like this even happen?" Chirivella said. "That storm drain has been capped for probably two years, which means that this moron literally had to intentionally dislodge the drain cover in order to fall inside of it. It's almost as if he wanted to shatter his legs."

As Pombo enters his sixth straight day of having been trapped, the ACM remains confident that the whole situation will eventually resolve itself. Simmer is holding out hope that a rain storm predicted to arrive tomorrow night might help to flush Pombo out into the canal and ACM-controlled water space, where someone might dare attempt a rescue. Or at least enough water to drown out the increasingly irritating sound of Pomba's prolonged, tortured, pathetic whimpering.

To help achieve either possibility, a mystery good Samaritan securely repositioned the manhole cover and welded it permanently shut. Luckily for Anarky Challenge readers, he was captured on a cellphone camera in a world exclusive photo by an anonymous man out walking his poodles for their early morning bathroom break. Thanks to this heroic effort captured and reported here first, a lasting peace and quiet has finally returned to the Port.

Problem solved.