Bertarelli Practices His Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

Switzerland — As the New York Court of Appeals decision draws closer, America's Cup Defender Ernesto Bertarelli has reportedly been working tirelessly since February 10th with his public relations strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which they believe is vital to the continuation of the Alinghi sailing team.

When performed correctly, the pose involves Bertarelli standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 500 and 600 yards away. His advisers say this creates the illusion that Bertarelli is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.

With little else to do, Bertarelli's advisers have created a computer model in Villeneuve to simulate the optimal looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"Ernesto spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off into the distance," said Alinghi spokesman and recently-reassigned specialist Grant Simmer, after consulting with Fast Track Sailing in London. Simmer now regularly analyzes video of the pose with Bertarelli, pinpoints areas that need improvement, and then makes necessary tweaks.

"It is critical to get every detail right," Grant continued. "If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by something behind you. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the Cup for future generations."

The pose also requires Bertarelli to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith.

He must then clench his jaw with sufficient force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, Simmer said, his supraorbital forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain.

"Every millimeter of that head vein costs him potential sponsorship dollars," said Simmer.

To complete the pose, Ernesto must then open his eyes at an aperture of 1.47 centimeters, tilt his chin slightly upward, and rotate his head 37 degrees to the left. His advisers stress that he must always look to the left.

"When you look to the future, you look to the left," said Simmer. "Fast Track has informed us that looking to the right is an I-am- sorry-for- the-mistakes- I've-made- in-the-past- but-promise- to-work-my-hardest- for-the-Cup- from-now-on pose. It's too early for that."

The biggest obstacle Ernesto has had to overcome during the past two weeks is his proclivity to squint while looking toward the future, which aides say alienates fans, including some important ones at Swiss bank giant UBS.

"We've worked on the squinting," said Alinghi CEO Brad Butterworth, who claimed that - according to Fast Track - it was a "death knell" for a Defender to appear to be struggling to see the America's Cup future. "It took a lot of work, but we were able to turn the squint into a solemn blink."

"The blink humanizes him," Brad added. "But you have to be careful. Two blinks and people might start to question if he's a man of his word."

Ernesto has also worked on increasing the speed with which he can strike the pose. Brad and Grant say that it is critical for him to be able to quickly and seamlessly transition into the looking-off-into-the-future pose at any moment, especially during applause breaks like during his 'breakfast with the journalists' events, or while being photographed from low angles, and certainly whenever there is an Alinghi flag waving gently behind him.

Ernesto's top advisers have recently given him clearance to also nod resolutely upon completing the looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"A nod is acceptable," Brad said. "Sailors and bankers respond well to nods."

Although Bertarelli's pose has been modified and fine-tuned over the entire course of the court case, some media heavyweights claim that Bertarelli's original looking-off-into-the-future pose was the strongest and most believable.

"I fell in love with the chin- three- inches- from- the- neck Ernesto Bertarelli," said longtime Bertarelli supporter and BYM employee Marian Martin, referring to a framed poster she has on her living room wall. "I just don't know if a chin- four- inches- from- the- neck or, even worse, a chin- two- inches- from- the- neck Bertarelli is the same Bertarelli that first inspired me."

As soon as Ernesto masters his looking-off-into-the-future pose, the Alinghi spokesmen say he will start honing his looking-straight- down-and- gripping-his-microphone- while-taking-a-deep-breath- to- communicate- both-his-rise-from- humble-challenger-roots- and-his-dedication- to-upholding- the- honor-and-responsibility-of- the-America's-Cup- while-still-fully-understanding- the- historical-significance-of- the-moment pose.

With the court's decision imminent, and a DoGZilla in his future now a very real possibility, time is of the essence.


Bertarelli in a recent pose practice attempt. Fast Track's analysis advised Simmer that Ernesto's mouth is open too far.

A Logistical Nightmare!

LVPS RR2 Day 3

With Emirates Team New Zealand and tens of thousands of spectators out on the water for hours on a steamy summer Saturday afternoon off Auckland, eagerly anticipating their key race matchup against arch rivals Alinghi, the action back on shore was getting even hotter.

Reached late morning at his hotel, Brad explained his Alinghi team's planned activities for the day. "It's a logistical nightmare," said Brad. "You have no idea what I've been through for the last few hours. Everything that could possibly go wrong has. But I'm still determined to make today the best of the event so far."

"I'm not naïve enough to think these things just 'happen,' so I started making calls," Brad said. "I was going to cover all the expenses myself, but when I started factoring in all the stuff we're going to need today — snacks, liquor, handcuffs, condoms, lube, porno videos, anal beads, batteries for the vibrators, a Slip-N-Slide — it became clear that my wallet was going to take a major hit. So now I have to chase down everybody and try to get them to pitch in a little cash."

Many of Brad's headaches stemmed from the difficulty of having to accommodate the widely varying sexual tastes of the sailors on his team.

"Ernesto doesn't want pornos playing because he finds them distracting," Brad said. "But Warwick says he can't get hard without one. So do I have two adjoining hotel rooms, one with pornos and one without? And Kirsty wants hardcore orgy-themed porn while Juan only wants girl-on-girl or softcore. I could have a whole bunch of different rooms, but if you spread everybody out too thin, it'll just wind up being a bunch of separate two- and three-ways instead of one massive fuckfest."

Continued Brad: "I was going to lay a tarp down in one room so people could oil each other up without damaging the rugs. But do I put the tarp in the porn room or the other one? Why does group sex have to be so complicated?"

One aspect of the orgy Brad regretted changing was the theme. Originally slated to be a Maori affair, the event was switched to a Mexican theme to indulge Warwick's fetish for naked women in sombreros.

"That was stupid of me," he said. "Mexican food isn't really good for an orgy: No one wants to lick salsa off someone's privates. But I've already spent twenty minutes Photoshopping sombreros onto the nude pictures into the email invitation, so I can't back out now."

Another complication was in selecting adult toys for the day's main event.

"I figure we'll have a few strap-on dildos and some vibrators," Brad said. "I'd like people to have as much fun as possible, but I only have a handful of silk scarves for light bondage and one vibrating butt plug. Do I ask people to bring their own stuff? I'd rather have everyone just show up and fuck, but it'd be nice to have toys to pass around. Maybe I can find a place on Halsey St that rents butterfly fuck-swings, then decorate one like a piñata."

Though already "way stressed," Brad said he expected his anxiety level to increase as the time of the orgy approaches.

"I don't know when I'm going to find the time to clean and set everything up," Brad said. "Bruno asked me to go to the media center for a presser at lunch time. What am I going to tell him, 'Sorry, I have an orgy to prepare'? When this all started, Ernesto and Nils said they'd help, but they haven't done jack shit except get a cheap sex doll that I'm probably going to have to blow up myself."

"And ideally, I want two girls for every guy," Brad said. "As it stands now, it looks like I'll be lucky if I have one girl for every four guys. If only two women show up, that's not an orgy, that's a gangbang."

Though Brad was considering posting a notice on Sailing Anarchy's AC forum seeking female orgy participants, he characterized that as "a last resort."

"You just don't know what kind of people an Anarchy posting will bring," Brad said. "I'd rather just keep it small and intimate. This is my first orgy in Auckland in quite a while, and I'd really like it to be people I know. Or at least friends of friends. I've been asking the guys to bring any willing females along, but knowing them I probably shouldn't count on it."

"I'm sure it'll all work out okay, and that everybody will have a great time," said Brad, dialing a Waitemata restaurant to inquire about catering prices. "As for me, I'll just be completely relieved when it's over. Know what I mean?"