Friday, February 20, 2009

Bertarelli Practices His Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

Switzerland — As the New York Court of Appeals decision draws closer, America's Cup Defender Ernesto Bertarelli has reportedly been working tirelessly since February 10th with his public relations strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which they believe is vital to the continuation of the Alinghi sailing team.

When performed correctly, the pose involves Bertarelli standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 500 and 600 yards away. His advisers say this creates the illusion that Bertarelli is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.

With little else to do, Bertarelli's advisers have created a computer model in Villeneuve to simulate the optimal looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"Ernesto spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off into the distance," said Alinghi spokesman and recently-reassigned specialist Grant Simmer, after consulting with Fast Track Sailing in London. Simmer now regularly analyzes video of the pose with Bertarelli, pinpoints areas that need improvement, and then makes necessary tweaks.

"It is critical to get every detail right," Grant continued. "If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by something behind you. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the Cup for future generations."

The pose also requires Bertarelli to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith.

He must then clench his jaw with sufficient force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, Simmer said, his supraorbital forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain.

"Every millimeter of that head vein costs him potential sponsorship dollars," said Simmer.

To complete the pose, Ernesto must then open his eyes at an aperture of 1.47 centimeters, tilt his chin slightly upward, and rotate his head 37 degrees to the left. His advisers stress that he must always look to the left.

"When you look to the future, you look to the left," said Simmer. "Fast Track has informed us that looking to the right is an I-am- sorry-for- the-mistakes- I've-made- in-the-past- but-promise- to-work-my-hardest- for-the-Cup- from-now-on pose. It's too early for that."

The biggest obstacle Ernesto has had to overcome during the past two weeks is his proclivity to squint while looking toward the future, which aides say alienates fans, including some important ones at Swiss bank giant UBS.

"We've worked on the squinting," said Alinghi CEO Brad Butterworth, who claimed that - according to Fast Track - it was a "death knell" for a Defender to appear to be struggling to see the America's Cup future. "It took a lot of work, but we were able to turn the squint into a solemn blink."

"The blink humanizes him," Brad added. "But you have to be careful. Two blinks and people might start to question if he's a man of his word."

Ernesto has also worked on increasing the speed with which he can strike the pose. Brad and Grant say that it is critical for him to be able to quickly and seamlessly transition into the looking-off-into-the-future pose at any moment, especially during applause breaks like during his 'breakfast with the journalists' events, or while being photographed from low angles, and certainly whenever there is an Alinghi flag waving gently behind him.

Ernesto's top advisers have recently given him clearance to also nod resolutely upon completing the looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"A nod is acceptable," Brad said. "Sailors and bankers respond well to nods."

Although Bertarelli's pose has been modified and fine-tuned over the entire course of the court case, some media heavyweights claim that Bertarelli's original looking-off-into-the-future pose was the strongest and most believable.

"I fell in love with the chin- three- inches- from- the- neck Ernesto Bertarelli," said longtime Bertarelli supporter and BYM employee Marian Martin, referring to a framed poster she has on her living room wall. "I just don't know if a chin- four- inches- from- the- neck or, even worse, a chin- two- inches- from- the- neck Bertarelli is the same Bertarelli that first inspired me."

As soon as Ernesto masters his looking-off-into-the-future pose, the Alinghi spokesmen say he will start honing his looking-straight- down-and- gripping-his-microphone- while-taking-a-deep-breath- to- communicate- both-his-rise-from- humble-challenger-roots- and-his-dedication- to-upholding- the- honor-and-responsibility-of- the-America's-Cup- while-still-fully-understanding- the- historical-significance-of- the-moment pose.

With the court's decision imminent, and a DoGZilla in his future now a very real possibility, time is of the essence.


Bertarelli in a recent pose practice attempt. Fast Track's analysis advised Simmer that Ernesto's mouth is open too far.

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