Thursday, January 15, 2009

Enough Already

Just as the world of sailing was sighing a breath of relief after Anarchy Challenge CEO Mr Clean's temporary halt to his incessant begging, into the breach has suddenly stepped Ernesto Bertarelli himself. In a remarkable turn of events, and with a wall to wall advertising campaign, Bertarelli - in obnoxiously loud commercials - is now imploring the public to support what most of us considered a ridiculous, long shot, grass-roots, underdog Challenge by the Sailing Anarchy Yacht Club to win the America's Cup. Away from himself! The America's Cup!!

Bertarelli is even starting to get on his own nerves. Recuperating from his recent failed attempt at time travel, he has spent the past two days at his home in Gstaad Switzerland, watching TV. Every few minutes, Bertarelli pops up in yet another commercial, ("HI EVERYBODY, ERNESTO BERTARELLI HERE!") each time bellowing like a man who thinks that the whole world has gone a little deaf.

There he is hawking the Anarchy Challenge web site, ("THE BEST WEB SITE EVER!"), the Sailing Anarchy Yacht Club ("THEY WILL BE HAVING A HUGE ANNUAL REGATTA!"), the tremendous enthusiasm of the fans on the Sailing Anarchy website ("ALINGHI HAS MET ITS MATCH!") and the Sailing Anarchy graphics team ("THESE UNIQUE DESIGNS LOOK GOOD FROM ALL SIDES AT ONCE, SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO FLIP THEM!!!").

Frankly, that's a little more Ernesto Bertarelli than even Ernesto Bertarelli can handle.

"If I see myself one more time today," he groans, sounding genuinely weary, "I'm going to remove my cap and pull my hair out."

Start pulling, big fella, Anarchists might be tempted to say. The world's preeminent pitchman for the America's Cup, the 43-year-old Bertarelli is now the emphatically gesticulating star of nine commercials for nine separate Anarchy Challenge products, all now in heavy rotation. And he's just getting started! A handful of new shoots will commence as soon he's fully recovered from his travels and back on his feet, and big-league advertisers like Google have started calling, presumably to put his unironic style to additional Anarchy-intensive use.

But wait. There's more.

Beginning next week, Bertarelli will start taping a TV reality show, "Anarchy Challenged," which will follow the creation of an America's Cup challenger, from application to acceptance. With many of his ads appearing 400 times a week, often at two minutes a pop, Bertarelli could already be the single most ubiquitous sports figure on television today, measured purely in face time. His only competition comes from actors in perpetual syndication, like Seinfeld and Bart Simpson.


"You would think there would be a saturation point," says an exasperated Bill Koch, a former America's Cup winner who follows Bertarelli. "But we never seem to reach it."

Every time he comes on with another Anarchy Challenge commercial my wife yells "Turn that thing down! You're waking up the whole neighborhood!" says Ted Turner, another former winner. "It's just amazing the responses he can get. The neighbor's dog from three doors down starts barking and several porch lights come on."

Just last month Ernesto Bertarelli ruptured a vocal chord on the thirteenth take for a new even-louder Anarchy Challenge commercial. The director of the production kept badgering the soundman to increase the volume. "I've got the damn knob all the way up already!"

More recently, an Alinghi TV director had to coax Ernesto to yell even louder into the already sensitive studio microphone. Three, two, one….. and Action! "HI! I'M ERNESTO BERTARELLI FOR ANARCHY CHALLENGE!" Just then a large chunk of Ernesto's vocal chord shot out of his mouth and hit the director right in the face before falling to the floor. It bounced and vibrated on the floor for several seconds until finally settling down.

A Valencian ambulance was called while Ernesto sat - speechless - for the first time since December 15th. Worst of all, the soundman "accidentally" stepped on Ernie's vocal chord in the confusion, almost destroying any chances that surgeons would be able to re-attach the thing and give Ernesto his voice back. Close, but unfortunately no cigar.

If you've watched any TV in the past 2 weeks, then you too know Bertarelli's style. Chummy yet urgent. Lots of pontificating and imploring gestures, a hammy rhyme or two, some juggling acts, and the inevitable act-now kicker. Perhaps you too have wondered: Why is he yelling? How does he yell and smile at the same time? And backing up a step, who is he? He always says his name -- "ERNESTO BERTARELLI HERE!" -- in a way that implies he's respected. But he doesn't seem to actually do anything but shill at the top of his fucking lungs.

Is that, like, his job? Selling us on the Sailing Anarchy Challenge? Why do we have to suffer?

Puhlease! If you want to help end this. If you want to stop all the incessant hollering. If you just want Ernesto Berterelli to shut the hell up. Then we implore you. From on our knees: Please Donate Something. Anything. This is a Good Cause.

It might improve your life!

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