Ernesto Re-Finds His Negotiating Strength

Villeneuve, VD, Switzerland—Larry, Russel, Tom and America's Cup Protocol reform were the happy issues of the morning for Ernesto Bertarelli, Defender of the Cup, at a breakfast meeting with the Magic Turtle at the Chateau de Chillon on Sunday.

Ernesto and the Magic Turtle discuss America's Cup Protocols.

Alinghi insiders say that Magic Turtle, in Villeneuve for a brief visit before returning to his Enchanted Gooseberry Glade, is Alinghi's leading hope for solutions to some of the top issues facing the beleaguered team. Top Alinghi officials also hope Magic Turtle's powers can be harnessed to protect Ernesto from evil spells cast by forest trolls.

"Magic Turtle brings a lot to the table," Ernesto agreed in a special briefing to the Villeneuve yachting press following the one-hour meeting. "In addition to his Protocol expertise, he has over 150 years of experience dealing with Magic Pond issues and knowledge of over 800 fanciful riddles!"

Ernesto particularly praised Magic Turtle's insight on problems facing Polly The Polywog and her happy band of music-making lilypad pals.

According to a report published in today's Sailing Anarchy edition, talks began shortly after Magic Turtle instructed Ernesto to rub his Magic Shell.

"Once his Magic Turtle Shell was rubbed, Magic Turtle offered Ernesto the secret locations of over a dozen 'lucky shrubs,'" the article reported.

Ernesto made special note of a make-believe patch of Happy-Charm Alinghi Sprouts in the turtle's Enchanted Glade. "These are Magic Weeds which could offer solutions to any number of problems facing the team," Ernesto said.

Alinghi insiders believe Ernesto will use the Lucky Shrubs to charm Larry into agreement on key Defender Tricks in the new Protocol.

For example, when Ernesto raised the issue of Two-Boat Testing, Magic Turtle responded that the key to solving the problem is "a golden key with a sparkling, ringed handle that has been hidden at the bottom of the Magic Pond from the Beautiful Princess for more than 600 years."

An elite Swiss Navy S.E.A.L. Search and Destroy squad has been duly dispatched to the Sleepytime Pond to retrieve the key, Swiss sources say.

In return for his valuable advice, Magic Turtle has asked Ernesto to find Mr. Magician's Cave Of Wonder, where yummy gumdrops float down cranberry streams. As an incentive for him to do so, the turtle offered Ernesto "a wesket pouch of golden fairy-plums."

According to Grant Simmer, Magic Turtle is also requesting Alinghi assistance in resolving ongoing tensions with his arch-nemesis, the Wicked Goose, ruler of Scaryland.

"We are currently negotiating with Magic Turtle in order to determine how much effort Alinghi is willing to commit to a potential conflict against Scaryland's goblin minions."

An enthused Ernesto praised the turtle for his "great wisdom" and "fancy hat."

Bertarelli Practices His Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

Switzerland — As the New York Court of Appeals decision draws closer, America's Cup Defender Ernesto Bertarelli has reportedly been working tirelessly since February 10th with his public relations strategists to perfect his looking-off-into-the-future pose, which they believe is vital to the continuation of the Alinghi sailing team.

When performed correctly, the pose involves Bertarelli standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 500 and 600 yards away. His advisers say this creates the illusion that Bertarelli is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.

With little else to do, Bertarelli's advisers have created a computer model in Villeneuve to simulate the optimal looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"Ernesto spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off into the distance," said Alinghi spokesman and recently-reassigned specialist Grant Simmer, after consulting with Fast Track Sailing in London. Simmer now regularly analyzes video of the pose with Bertarelli, pinpoints areas that need improvement, and then makes necessary tweaks.

"It is critical to get every detail right," Grant continued. "If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by something behind you. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the Cup for future generations."

The pose also requires Bertarelli to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith.

He must then clench his jaw with sufficient force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, Simmer said, his supraorbital forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain.

"Every millimeter of that head vein costs him potential sponsorship dollars," said Simmer.

To complete the pose, Ernesto must then open his eyes at an aperture of 1.47 centimeters, tilt his chin slightly upward, and rotate his head 37 degrees to the left. His advisers stress that he must always look to the left.

"When you look to the future, you look to the left," said Simmer. "Fast Track has informed us that looking to the right is an I-am- sorry-for- the-mistakes- I've-made- in-the-past- but-promise- to-work-my-hardest- for-the-Cup- from-now-on pose. It's too early for that."

The biggest obstacle Ernesto has had to overcome during the past two weeks is his proclivity to squint while looking toward the future, which aides say alienates fans, including some important ones at Swiss bank giant UBS.

"We've worked on the squinting," said Alinghi CEO Brad Butterworth, who claimed that - according to Fast Track - it was a "death knell" for a Defender to appear to be struggling to see the America's Cup future. "It took a lot of work, but we were able to turn the squint into a solemn blink."

"The blink humanizes him," Brad added. "But you have to be careful. Two blinks and people might start to question if he's a man of his word."

Ernesto has also worked on increasing the speed with which he can strike the pose. Brad and Grant say that it is critical for him to be able to quickly and seamlessly transition into the looking-off-into-the-future pose at any moment, especially during applause breaks like during his 'breakfast with the journalists' events, or while being photographed from low angles, and certainly whenever there is an Alinghi flag waving gently behind him.

Ernesto's top advisers have recently given him clearance to also nod resolutely upon completing the looking-off-into-the-future pose.

"A nod is acceptable," Brad said. "Sailors and bankers respond well to nods."

Although Bertarelli's pose has been modified and fine-tuned over the entire course of the court case, some media heavyweights claim that Bertarelli's original looking-off-into-the-future pose was the strongest and most believable.

"I fell in love with the chin- three- inches- from- the- neck Ernesto Bertarelli," said longtime Bertarelli supporter and BYM employee Marian Martin, referring to a framed poster she has on her living room wall. "I just don't know if a chin- four- inches- from- the- neck or, even worse, a chin- two- inches- from- the- neck Bertarelli is the same Bertarelli that first inspired me."

As soon as Ernesto masters his looking-off-into-the-future pose, the Alinghi spokesmen say he will start honing his looking-straight- down-and- gripping-his-microphone- while-taking-a-deep-breath- to- communicate- both-his-rise-from- humble-challenger-roots- and-his-dedication- to-upholding- the- honor-and-responsibility-of- the-America's-Cup- while-still-fully-understanding- the- historical-significance-of- the-moment pose.

With the court's decision imminent, and a DoGZilla in his future now a very real possibility, time is of the essence.


Bertarelli in a recent pose practice attempt. Fast Track's analysis advised Simmer that Ernesto's mouth is open too far.

A Logistical Nightmare!

LVPS RR2 Day 3

With Emirates Team New Zealand and tens of thousands of spectators out on the water for hours on a steamy summer Saturday afternoon off Auckland, eagerly anticipating their key race matchup against arch rivals Alinghi, the action back on shore was getting even hotter.

Reached late morning at his hotel, Brad explained his Alinghi team's planned activities for the day. "It's a logistical nightmare," said Brad. "You have no idea what I've been through for the last few hours. Everything that could possibly go wrong has. But I'm still determined to make today the best of the event so far."

"I'm not naïve enough to think these things just 'happen,' so I started making calls," Brad said. "I was going to cover all the expenses myself, but when I started factoring in all the stuff we're going to need today — snacks, liquor, handcuffs, condoms, lube, porno videos, anal beads, batteries for the vibrators, a Slip-N-Slide — it became clear that my wallet was going to take a major hit. So now I have to chase down everybody and try to get them to pitch in a little cash."

Many of Brad's headaches stemmed from the difficulty of having to accommodate the widely varying sexual tastes of the sailors on his team.

"Ernesto doesn't want pornos playing because he finds them distracting," Brad said. "But Warwick says he can't get hard without one. So do I have two adjoining hotel rooms, one with pornos and one without? And Kirsty wants hardcore orgy-themed porn while Juan only wants girl-on-girl or softcore. I could have a whole bunch of different rooms, but if you spread everybody out too thin, it'll just wind up being a bunch of separate two- and three-ways instead of one massive fuckfest."

Continued Brad: "I was going to lay a tarp down in one room so people could oil each other up without damaging the rugs. But do I put the tarp in the porn room or the other one? Why does group sex have to be so complicated?"

One aspect of the orgy Brad regretted changing was the theme. Originally slated to be a Maori affair, the event was switched to a Mexican theme to indulge Warwick's fetish for naked women in sombreros.

"That was stupid of me," he said. "Mexican food isn't really good for an orgy: No one wants to lick salsa off someone's privates. But I've already spent twenty minutes Photoshopping sombreros onto the nude pictures into the email invitation, so I can't back out now."

Another complication was in selecting adult toys for the day's main event.

"I figure we'll have a few strap-on dildos and some vibrators," Brad said. "I'd like people to have as much fun as possible, but I only have a handful of silk scarves for light bondage and one vibrating butt plug. Do I ask people to bring their own stuff? I'd rather have everyone just show up and fuck, but it'd be nice to have toys to pass around. Maybe I can find a place on Halsey St that rents butterfly fuck-swings, then decorate one like a piñata."

Though already "way stressed," Brad said he expected his anxiety level to increase as the time of the orgy approaches.

"I don't know when I'm going to find the time to clean and set everything up," Brad said. "Bruno asked me to go to the media center for a presser at lunch time. What am I going to tell him, 'Sorry, I have an orgy to prepare'? When this all started, Ernesto and Nils said they'd help, but they haven't done jack shit except get a cheap sex doll that I'm probably going to have to blow up myself."

"And ideally, I want two girls for every guy," Brad said. "As it stands now, it looks like I'll be lucky if I have one girl for every four guys. If only two women show up, that's not an orgy, that's a gangbang."

Though Brad was considering posting a notice on Sailing Anarchy's AC forum seeking female orgy participants, he characterized that as "a last resort."

"You just don't know what kind of people an Anarchy posting will bring," Brad said. "I'd rather just keep it small and intimate. This is my first orgy in Auckland in quite a while, and I'd really like it to be people I know. Or at least friends of friends. I've been asking the guys to bring any willing females along, but knowing them I probably shouldn't count on it."

"I'm sure it'll all work out okay, and that everybody will have a great time," said Brad, dialing a Waitemata restaurant to inquire about catering prices. "As for me, I'll just be completely relieved when it's over. Know what I mean?"

Enough Already

Just as the world of sailing was sighing a breath of relief after Anarchy Challenge CEO Mr Clean's temporary halt to his incessant begging, into the breach has suddenly stepped Ernesto Bertarelli himself. In a remarkable turn of events, and with a wall to wall advertising campaign, Bertarelli - in obnoxiously loud commercials - is now imploring the public to support what most of us considered a ridiculous, long shot, grass-roots, underdog Challenge by the Sailing Anarchy Yacht Club to win the America's Cup. Away from himself! The America's Cup!!

Bertarelli is even starting to get on his own nerves. Recuperating from his recent failed attempt at time travel, he has spent the past two days at his home in Gstaad Switzerland, watching TV. Every few minutes, Bertarelli pops up in yet another commercial, ("HI EVERYBODY, ERNESTO BERTARELLI HERE!") each time bellowing like a man who thinks that the whole world has gone a little deaf.

There he is hawking the Anarchy Challenge web site, ("THE BEST WEB SITE EVER!"), the Sailing Anarchy Yacht Club ("THEY WILL BE HAVING A HUGE ANNUAL REGATTA!"), the tremendous enthusiasm of the fans on the Sailing Anarchy website ("ALINGHI HAS MET ITS MATCH!") and the Sailing Anarchy graphics team ("THESE UNIQUE DESIGNS LOOK GOOD FROM ALL SIDES AT ONCE, SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO FLIP THEM!!!").

Frankly, that's a little more Ernesto Bertarelli than even Ernesto Bertarelli can handle.

"If I see myself one more time today," he groans, sounding genuinely weary, "I'm going to remove my cap and pull my hair out."

Start pulling, big fella, Anarchists might be tempted to say. The world's preeminent pitchman for the America's Cup, the 43-year-old Bertarelli is now the emphatically gesticulating star of nine commercials for nine separate Anarchy Challenge products, all now in heavy rotation. And he's just getting started! A handful of new shoots will commence as soon he's fully recovered from his travels and back on his feet, and big-league advertisers like Google have started calling, presumably to put his unironic style to additional Anarchy-intensive use.

But wait. There's more.

Beginning next week, Bertarelli will start taping a TV reality show, "Anarchy Challenged," which will follow the creation of an America's Cup challenger, from application to acceptance. With many of his ads appearing 400 times a week, often at two minutes a pop, Bertarelli could already be the single most ubiquitous sports figure on television today, measured purely in face time. His only competition comes from actors in perpetual syndication, like Seinfeld and Bart Simpson.


"You would think there would be a saturation point," says an exasperated Bill Koch, a former America's Cup winner who follows Bertarelli. "But we never seem to reach it."

Every time he comes on with another Anarchy Challenge commercial my wife yells "Turn that thing down! You're waking up the whole neighborhood!" says Ted Turner, another former winner. "It's just amazing the responses he can get. The neighbor's dog from three doors down starts barking and several porch lights come on."

Just last month Ernesto Bertarelli ruptured a vocal chord on the thirteenth take for a new even-louder Anarchy Challenge commercial. The director of the production kept badgering the soundman to increase the volume. "I've got the damn knob all the way up already!"

More recently, an Alinghi TV director had to coax Ernesto to yell even louder into the already sensitive studio microphone. Three, two, one….. and Action! "HI! I'M ERNESTO BERTARELLI FOR ANARCHY CHALLENGE!" Just then a large chunk of Ernesto's vocal chord shot out of his mouth and hit the director right in the face before falling to the floor. It bounced and vibrated on the floor for several seconds until finally settling down.

A Valencian ambulance was called while Ernesto sat - speechless - for the first time since December 15th. Worst of all, the soundman "accidentally" stepped on Ernie's vocal chord in the confusion, almost destroying any chances that surgeons would be able to re-attach the thing and give Ernesto his voice back. Close, but unfortunately no cigar.

If you've watched any TV in the past 2 weeks, then you too know Bertarelli's style. Chummy yet urgent. Lots of pontificating and imploring gestures, a hammy rhyme or two, some juggling acts, and the inevitable act-now kicker. Perhaps you too have wondered: Why is he yelling? How does he yell and smile at the same time? And backing up a step, who is he? He always says his name -- "ERNESTO BERTARELLI HERE!" -- in a way that implies he's respected. But he doesn't seem to actually do anything but shill at the top of his fucking lungs.

Is that, like, his job? Selling us on the Sailing Anarchy Challenge? Why do we have to suffer?

Puhlease! If you want to help end this. If you want to stop all the incessant hollering. If you just want Ernesto Berterelli to shut the hell up. Then we implore you. From on our knees: Please Donate Something. Anything. This is a Good Cause.

It might improve your life!

Plight of the Pombo

America'a Cup Community Fails To Rally Around Pombo

PORT AMERICA'S CUP, VALENCIA, SPAIN — Tragedy failed to strike the city of Valencia this week when full-grown adult Gerardo Pombo García, president of the Spanish Sailing Federation Real Federación Española de Vela (RFEV) fell down a drain hole just after locking the doors for the last time and abandoning the ex Desafio Espanol team base at the Port America's Cup, spraining both of his ankles and drawing the sympathy of absolutely no one.

Gerardo Pombo, during headier times.

According to sources, the not-so-moving accident and ensuing stench has left the normally quiet America's Cup village in a state of utter indifference, with the few passers by neglecting to come together as one and rally around the trapped 59-year-old.

"I don't understand," said Manuel Chirivella, who has spent every day since first hearing of Pomba's plight gardening in his backyard. "What's a man of that age even doing in a sewer to begin with? The whole thing's a bit ridiculous if you ask me."

Added Chirivella, the past president of since defunct boatless, teamless, memberless, Club Nautico Espanola de Vela, "That manhole cover, even cast with that nostalgic Auld Mug logo he loved, is just not worth stealing. He must have been drunk."

The injured Pomba has been ignored by more than just ordinary citizens. An emergency rescue party sent out from the nearby yacht syndicate Alinghi has reportedly been working around the clock attending to several emergencies at other abandoned bases in and around the port. But the local Port Police department has finally sprung into action, with nearly a dozen officers arriving at the scene last Tuesday morning to see the "idiotic klutz" for themselves.

"In a situation like this, there's very little you can actually do," said deputy sheriff Luis Gestoso, who identified the bruised and disoriented Pomba after peering down the sewer drain to see if a young child had fallen in with him. "We took pictures, you know, for our records and such. And afterwards we went down the street for paella and cervezas. But other than that, the whole thing wasn't as much fun as we all thought it was going to be. He was actually passed out for most of it."

Reached for comment in California yesterday, Anarchy Challenge CEO Mr. Clean was quietly relaxing on a sunny afternoon after enduring a challenge that had tested, but did not by any means exceed, his ability to persevere. "The line at the America's Cup entry desk was really long, and I had a lunch meeting at noon," said Clean, recounting the inconvenient event that ultimately did no lasting damage. "Then I realized that I still needed to fill out a form, but I didn't have a pen. If I had left the line to use a pen at the counter, I would have had to start all over. Thank goodness someone in line lent me one." In spite of the unremarkable series of obstacles, Clean still arrived at lunch on time. He promised to post an appeal to Anarchists for donations to help in Pombo's recovery effort, "just as soon as possible" and someone did so, belatedly, late last night.

But despite that call for donations on the 300-million-member Sailing Anarchy web site, to date no money has been raised for an effort to rescue Pombo from the sewer. Nor has anyone in the local community volunteered to chip in and provide the desperate man with food, fresh water, or words of encouragement. Though Pombo has only had a handful of visitors in the past week, sources did confirm that several members of the America's Cup Management organization stopped by on Thursday and together prayed for the 59-year-old to "get his act together."

"Our concern is not just for the well-being of the city of Valencia, the region, and for Spain. Imagine what his parents must be going through," Grant Simmer said. "To hear that your son went out and got himself stuck inside a sewer—it has to be every parent's worst nightmare. Our thoughts are definitely with them during what must be a very, very embarrassing time."

According to Daphne Morgen, who passes by the open sewer every day during her morning jog, Pombo is currently sitting ten feet below street level in a foot and a half of lumpy slowly flowing fetid sewage, and does not seem to be making any progress in scaling the walls with his bare hands. Morgen went on to add that while Pombo might be naked and trying to fashion a makeshift rope out of his clothing, she couldn't be sure as she is currently "training for a marathon and couldn't really stop to check."

"How could something like this even happen?" Chirivella said. "That storm drain has been capped for probably two years, which means that this moron literally had to intentionally dislodge the drain cover in order to fall inside of it. It's almost as if he wanted to shatter his legs."

As Pombo enters his sixth straight day of having been trapped, the ACM remains confident that the whole situation will eventually resolve itself. Simmer is holding out hope that a rain storm predicted to arrive tomorrow night might help to flush Pombo out into the canal and ACM-controlled water space, where someone might dare attempt a rescue. Or at least enough water to drown out the increasingly irritating sound of Pomba's prolonged, tortured, pathetic whimpering.

To help achieve either possibility, a mystery good Samaritan securely repositioned the manhole cover and welded it permanently shut. Luckily for Anarky Challenge readers, he was captured on a cellphone camera in a world exclusive photo by an anonymous man out walking his poodles for their early morning bathroom break. Thanks to this heroic effort captured and reported here first, a lasting peace and quiet has finally returned to the Port.

Problem solved.

Bertarelli Disappears

Ernesto Bertarelli Sends Self Back In Time To Try Prevent Protocol's Publication

Ernesto Bertarelli, announcing his departure on Alinghi TV.

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on Alinghi TV, America's Cup champion Ernesto Bertarelli has sent himself back in time to July 5th 2007 to avert the catastrophic signing of the Protocol for the America's Cup XXXIII.

"By the time you see this, I will have returned to Moment Zero of AC 33, in a time machine of my own design," said Bertarelli in the three-minute message, which first aired Sunday on his own online video channel. "I will doggedly pursue Lucien Masmejan, Fred Meyer and Augustin Zulueta to stop this horribly misguided Protocol. And I will not return to my own time until the Protocol has been prevented!"












The moment Bertarelli is so desperate to prevent.

The Protocol was signed aboard Bertarelli's private yacht Vava at a time when Alinghi felt flush with success, having crossed the line one second ahead of Team New Zealand in a gut wrenching AC Final. But the Protocol quickly proved ill-fated, as few of the benefits it promised proved feasible or profitable enough, and as the world declared that "it stinks." Within a week, lawsuits were filed in New York charging that the new arrangement had been signed to by a fake adversary. Bertarelli's life has been a desperate struggle ever since but it could take a turn for the worse if his dangerous attempt fails.

Alinghi spokespersons say the mysterious, unseen time-travel device was developed under a veil of extreme secrecy at a new facility somewhere in Villeneuve, Switzerland. Little else about the machine or Bertarelli's mission is yet known.

"From what we now understand, but Ernesto probably did not, the machine acts only on living human flesh," a worried Alinghi spokesman Grant Simmer said. "And so if Ernesto has been successful, he has materialized in July 2007 completely nude, with no ID or money. To survive, he'll need to steal clothing and rely on whatever crude weapons he can fashion with his bare hands."

America's Cup watchers have expressed skepticism about Ernesto's chances.

"The Protocol was signed at the height of the celebration in Valencia, when conventional wisdom was that ErnieVision would be the wave of the future," said Brad Butterworth, his erstwhile Alinghi skipper. "In such a heady, bullish climate, Ernie's warnings of impending doom in a frightening future of multihull giants will likely be dismissed by Lucien and Fred as just the ravings of a naked lunatic."

Hubris, physicists say, is not the only obstacle facing Bertarelli on his dramatic mission.

"Altering the flow of time is a dangerous and complex proposition," said Dr. Arthur Wistrom, a professor at EPFL, the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne. "If Mr Bertarelli is not careful, he may unintentionally change the course of his own history, causing, for example, something to go awry with his loving, happy marriage to the very beautiful Kirsty."

Suddenly available

Compounding Bertarelli's troubles is an unconfirmed report that enemy forces within the Club Nautico Espanol de Vela have responded with their own time-travel initiative, dispatching back in time 17 cyborg drones disguised as Emirates Team New Zealand sailors to deliver victory to ETNZ instead, thus averting the Spanish Club's own disastrous future of failure and embarrassment.

"Why anyone at CNEV would want to do such a thing remains a mystery, as we lost more in the Protocol than anyone," Butterworth said. "Perhaps somewhere within the vast Internet network of Sailing Anarchy subscribers, some malevolent cybernetic force has achieved sentience and is bent on the destruction of its human Alinghi masters."

Bertarelli's time-jump represents the latest in a series of high-stakes gambits for the playboy sailor and multi-billionaire.

"From his planned conversion of an independent Challenger Selection Series into an 'Alinghi Uber Alles' event, to his crushing loss in court last May, to his narrow surprise victory on appeal, one that appears to be on such thin ice, Bertarelli has built a career lately on taking big risks," America's Cup reporter Bob Fisher said. "But traveling back in time all by himself, a lone sailor soldier from the future facing nigh-impossible odds—that is arguably the most daring move he has made yet."

Though the odds are stacked against Bertarelli, many are betting on him to prevail.

"The court case reduced Ernesto to a mere figurehead and could ultimately cost him hundreds of millions of his personal and potential fortune," America's Cup guru Tom Ehman said. "A lesser man would have crumbled in the face of such adversity. Yet we are talking about the man who just this year piloted his yacht to second place in the Bol d'Or. According to messages we have received from the future at Oracle headquarters near San Francisco, he will in 2013 single-handedly defeat the alien warrior-sailor Zyfax in hand-to-hand combat at the SNG before succumbing to mortal wounds. He is not just a brave America's Cup warrior. He is Alinghi's last, best hope and we wish him full success in his disappearance."

The Alinghi Time Machine, designed at the EPFL in Lausanne and built at a secret facility somewhere in Villeneuve.

Wild Celebrations Greet Anarchy Protocol

Bertarelli Pyramid Nears Completion

Carlsbad, CA — Anarchist manpower was doubled today in an effort to assure that erection of the gigantic Bertarelli Pyramid meets the accelerated schedule, to be completed in time for Bertarelli's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld upon death. This action follows in the wake of worldwide acclamation and global celebrations after the publication of the much anticipated Sailing Anarchy Protocol at the stroke of midnight under the Moon of the Winter Solstice.

Builders expect the Bertarelli Pyramid to be ready in time for the Great Sailor's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld upon death. Among the items to be entombed with Bertarelli are the 2,500 odd scrolls that make up his Protocol archive, and his obedient servant, Sir Keith Mills.

With Anarchists worldwide concurring that the lame duck America's Cup Leader, suffering from severe paranoia, is expected to be defeated and ceremonially sacrificed within 18 months, swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to some 300 million Anarchy Challenge insiders.

"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Bertarelli," said former America's Cup Defender Dennis Connor. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Bertarelli with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."

According to project overseer and SAYC Emporer Scot Tempura, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of over 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 Anarchists, will serve not only as Bertarelli's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the Swiss Deity's once-large but declining wealth.

Sir Keith told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Bertarelli's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris."

The soon-to-be-former America's Cup Defender's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber as perfectly intact as possible. To this end, Bertarelli's internal organs have already been removed and preserved, encased in ornate protective ceramic vessels and sealed in chocolate.

"This is the spleen that brought down the New Zealand Empire," said his longtime skipper Brad Butterworth, holding aloft several of Bertarelli's just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that fought with such wind in the Great Crisis of the Golden Gate."

According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite engravings, inlaid with gold and silver fern leaves, depict the cycle of the Alinghi Cup Creation Myth, with the deified Bertarelli symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon, and then being dismembered by Set, his scattered bodily fragments forming the stars of the southern night sky.

Despite the great sanctity of its Inner Chamber, the Bertarelli Pyramid may attract anti-anti-Anarchist raiders bent on desecrating and robbing it of its vast treasuries of gold, jewels, rare Alinghi cartoon prints on fine dyed cloth, movie stills and a parchment from A.D. 2007 depicting his penultimate achievement on July the Vth.

"Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Bertarelli's sanctity!" Bertarelli high-priest Hamish Ross proclaimed. "All those who tread these halls without the Seven Keys of Lucien will die victims of the dreaded Curse of Bertarelli's Tomb!"

He later added, "Mwahh ha ha ha ha!"

The tomb will also be protected from anti-anti-anti-Anarchist marauders by the Deity of Desafio until his golden water bowl dries out, whereupon the Great Bertarelli's dearly beloved dog will be buried alongside him too.

Though the tomb itself will be off limits to all non-divine earthly beings, Anarchists will be allowed access to a nearby altar and bronze idol of Bertarelli, where America's Cup pilgrims may come to worship the former Defender and petition his intervention in prayer.

A gigantic statuary portrait of the Bertarelli, standing over 100 feet high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned with the inscription, "I Am Ernesto Bertarelli, King Of The Cup. Look Upon My Protocols, Ye Mighty, And Despair."